Solid, tangible goals

Actual conversation among me and two teacher friends at a bar in Brooklyn. All of us are going into our 4th years, and all of us had to switch from horrible hellmouths of failing schools to new environments where some actual teaching and learning happens.

Teacher #1: "I think this is finally going to be the year where I don't have to tell a student that he needs to put his pants back on. I can feel it, I think it's finally going to happen."
Teacher #2: "I hope this is the year where I don't curse in front of a student. That's my goal."
Me: "I think since I have 6th grade this year instead of 8th, this will finally be the year where a student doesn't yell at me to suck his or her dick. I'm really excited."

Real accountability = real progress = real results.

Anything but math

The PE teacher was telling the students about his grading policy for the beginning of the school year. I forgot how amazing these kids could be.

Teacher: All right, so everyone starts at 100. If you don't participate for one day, you lose 15 points. What's 100 minus 15?
Students: (awkward silence) 80! 85!
Teacher: Ok, 85. If you miss another day, you lose 15 points. What's 85 minus 15?
Students: (even longer awkward silence) 80! 75! 75! 70!
Teacher: Um... 70. So if you miss again, what's 70 minus 15?
Students: (even longer, even more awkward silence) 65! 60! 65! 60! 55!
Teacher: That's a 55. So you miss 4 classes or don't participate and you basically fail... Ok, so that took awhile. Let's move on to the next topic.

LAST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOLLLLL!!!!

This morning, I got a plastic rose and a letter from a student who got here from Africa maybe 2 years ago. She wrote this note on a ripped piece of notebook paper. It said:

Dear Ms. A
thank you for theaching me this Year. your the best teacher ever in my life.
Your sincretary
MK

I mean, that just made the whole year worth it.

Happy summer everyone.

and she was really just going to let him leave the office

This gem comes to your courtesy from another middle school in the SoBro.

One 6th grade student at this school had started out the year strong but had had a lot of absences lately. My friend was doing paperwork in the guidance counselor's office while this boy was talking to her. His excuse was, "Well, I have been having a lot of infections with my skin lately so I have had to see a lot of different gynecologists to talk about these issues." Somehow the counselor managed to not burst into fits of laughter and tears but she didn't say anything to correct him. They finshed up the meeting, and on the way out (thank god) my friend told him that the word "gynecologist" meant "someone who deals with women's...issues." Let's hope he doesn't make the same mistake again.

you can't even curse properly

On Thursday, I was using the kid's bathroom next to the cafeteria because we were cooped up there for professional development all day. Not like we couldn't use the time to finish up grades or records or, god forbid, plan for next year. But that's besides the point. I noticed with joy that some girls had written on the door of the bathroom. They had a student's name listed and underneath it someone had written "What a bith." So awesome.

final tales from the grading site

I did not mean for this to be so drawn out, but this one is just too priceless to not share.

Now, I am not one to jump and label teachers as complainers. Our job is tough. We often have to vent. We often get the short end of the stick. But occasionally, I have to shake my head and say, "Could everybody please shut the fuck up so we can all get back to work? I have shit to do." This was one of those occasions.

So, the chairs they had us sitting on were kind of uncomfortable. It wasn't unbearable. I just sat on the edge of my seat, or turned it sideways. Some stole other chairs from other places in the school. Other reasonable people brought pillows or things like that. But the majority complained and complained about how horrible they were. To be fair, one pregnant lady did tip over in her seat. To me, a reasonable solution would have been to bring her a special one. But naturally the DOE solution was much more unnecessarily complicated.

A few days in, they made the announcement that we were searching for other chairs. The next day, they stated with great jubilation that new chairs were coming in. The custodians wheel in the carts of chairs. Row by row, we stand up so they can pull out our old chairs and replace them with new ones. Once we look at them, it becomes immediately apparent that these are exactly the same as the ones we already have, except they are white instead of black. Now, more complaints come up. Rabble rabble rabble, these are no better! Why are you wasting our time?!?!

The worst part is, since the order had come through for the custodians to replace the chairs, the custodians were going to replace the chairs. They still went row by row, pulling out the old seats and giving us new ones. No one in charge told then to stop. No one they were supposedly helping even needed their help. And it was all another colossal waste of time and resources. There's a metaphor hidden in there but I can't quite find it.

More tales from the grading site...

The week and a half that followed my first day of "training" and test grading never really got much better.

First, we spent 15-30 minutes every day getting set up. That means I showed up at 3:30, people slowly trickled in, and we never got started unti 4:00. We also usually finished between 7:00-7:15 and spent the leftover minutes filling in our time cards. Now, I am not a math person, but at $40 an hour per 200 graders, that adds up to roughly several gazillion dollars wasted of us sitting around drinking coffee and doing nothing.

The best part is when the state required that the booklets of a particular grade had to be finished and sent in that night. Every time, they had to scramble and ask people to volunteer to stay late to finish grading. I volunteered along with a dozen or so people a few times. Once I stayed until 9:00 PM. Meanwhile, all I could think was, "Gee, if they had handed out the booklets at 3:45 instead of 4:15, that would have been another 30 minutes of manpower among 200 people instead of 15 of us busting our asses to get this done."

The worst part, for me, as an overachiever, was getting labeled as such. Yeah, in middle school I was a big nerd. I thought by the time I reached a point where I was working with adults, that label would fade away. Nope. This one guy at my table was repeatedly telling me to slow down. When we finished a box and I would raise my hand to have them pick it up, he would pull my hand down. He would tell me to stop reading so quickly. Etc. I mentioned this to my friend who works for the DOE offices and her exact words were, "The higher up you get in the department, the more you see that. Having meetings about meetings. People sitting on their thumbs, getting paid to do nothing. Teachers getting cushy office jobs because they are horrible teachers are keep getting pushed through the system. That sort of thing."

Again. It instills a lot of confidence in the organzation, don't you think?

Tales from the grading site...

Oh, state tests, you are so beautiful. You take up 2 weeks of my life, you make my kids crazy, and you are inane and boring. I spent months leading up to you, freaking out, knowing my "grade" as a teacher is based on you and my kids' ability to pass or fail is based on you too.

But none of that, no none of it, prepared me for the MIND-NUMBING TASK that is grading the written portion of the exams.

I have to break this up into many posts, and really there could be endless ranting. But let me start with this. Day 1: I show up bright and early at 8:30 AM on a Saturday. We proceed to sit around for 15-20 minutes. We then get a 30 or so minute introduction from everybody, none of which is actually explaining what we are doing. But that doesn't matter since everyone at my table is a veteran teacher with many years of grading under their belts. They quickly explain the process of filling out the forms for me.

We finally begin the "training" portion of the day, where we read through books on what answers can be accepted in graphic organizers, short essays, and long responses for the 4th graders. Then they read them out loud for us. Then we grade sample questions. Then they tell us what the grades should be for the sample questions. Then we argue about what scores were given for grades for the sample questions, which really doesn't matter because the state made up the booklets in the first place and that's what we have to go by. This takes the entire morning. We actually have to leave for lunch late (12:15) because it takes too long and we have to take a test verifying that we are following the mandated scoring guides that everyone was arguing about. The grading itself does not actually begin until 1:15, and then goes until 3:30, where we stop and go home. What a use of a day. A sweet, sweet, taxpayer funded day.

The kicker? I scored higher and did better on the training and test grading than anybody at my table. I was also way more articulate and cognizant about explaining how I got my answers and reached all the right conclusions. When it came time to choose a "table leader" to re-read scores and organize materials, they unanimously pointed at me. I have one third of the experience of the next least experienced teacher at my table. Two were near retirement. One had a child almost my age. Glad to know I am somehow the most qualified person in the bunch. That makes me have A LOT of faith in the system.

More to come once I catch up on all the sleep deprivation from working 12 hour days and weekends...

I guess so

Today we were doing word study with math vocabulary since the state ELA tests are over but the state math tests are next week. Actual quote from my classroom:

Me: So, when the word 'translate' doesn't have the -tion on it, is it a noun, verb, or adjective?
Most of the class: Verb!
Me: That's right, because translate is an action. So when I add on the suffix -tion, is it a noun, verb, or adjective?
Some of the class: Noun!
Me: Awesome!
AW: That's the sound my cat makes. "Noun, noun."

Really? That's where your brain was at during this lesson?

classic

Heard this story from a friend that used to teach in New Orleans. At best, it is only marginally related to teaching, but it is indicative of larger problems in society.

She had a friend who was doing research on Katrina victims. He was at a woman's house verifying and entering names for a survey. He looked at one name on the list and couldn't believe it. He said, "Your daughter's name is Shady Nasty?" The women said, "No, no, her name is Sha'Dynasty, they forgot the up-comma."

(Up-comma is my new favorite word.)

This, by the way, is a really fun game I play with fellow teachers. What's the weirdest name you have heard? I like the girl who introduced herself as "Camry. Yeah like the car." We had a boy at my old school named Yes. I have heard endless accounts of girls whose names are spelled Le-a and pronounced Ledasha. And Sha'Dynasty? Frankly, it's still almost as horrible as the name Shady Nasty would be.

testing testing 123

In the past month, my students have spent exactly 8 school days doing "practice" or "instructionally targeted" assessments. This is NOT counting the many earlier "predictive" or "instructionally targeted" assessments done in several previous months.

This is not really funny at all, especially considering the amount of time and money spent (wasted?) on all of this citywide. But it was pretty funny when they took a math exam that more or less required the use of a calculator for one portion, and then I only had 10 calculators for 20 kids.

It's okay. I'm good at following the philosphy of "make it work.

sort of

Today I read aloud an article about Jane Goodall so they could practice listening, taking notes, and doing responses based off what they heard. After we discussed how she helped save chimpanzees in the wild, one of my students asked, "Is it illegal to kill all animals?" I said, "Not all, but many animals, especially endangered ones." She responded, "Oh yeah, like koalas and dinosaurs."

Yeah. Exactly like that.

thanks?

I have naturally very straight hair, but awhile back I started putting it in braids at night, then letting it out and adding gel to it to make it curly. The first time I did this, one of my boys said, "You look really familiar right now. You look like someone I know. I can't figure out what it is." I said, "Is it me? Do I remind you of your English teacher, just with curly hair? Cause that's what I am." He said no.

At the end of the day, he came up to me again. "I figured it out! You look like a wet Puerto Rican!"

....okay.

close but no cigar

As we were about to read a short story in class, I say, "This story is an example of a myth. What is a myth?" Mind you, the answer is written right in the textbook we are about to read from.

DS excitedly raises his hand. "Oooh, oooh! I know! It's a drug, like speed."

yeah she did!

I was working with a student who is (I hate to admit it but...) particularly annoying. When I turned around to get him something, another person threw a tiny piece of paper at him. He shouted out, "Yo, who threw that?" to which I quickly responded, "Your mama!"

Whooops.

oh dear!

Has it been almost a month? I apologize. Things have been going relatively well. I mean, we've almost completely stopped doing independent reading in favor of me reading aloud a book, but, well, that's worth something. I hope.

I leave you with this gem. My students asked me a few weeks ago if I was a nerd or cool in high school. I said, "Are you kidding me? Do you even know me? I was a complete nerd. I'm a teacher for goodness sake!" They asked me to prove it by bringing in a yearbook, so when I went home over vacation, I fished my 8th grade yearbook out of my dad's closet. I brought it in, and showed a group of them some pictures. (I was voted Most Likely to be on Jeopardy in middle school, thankyouverymuch.) They flipped to a signature page and saw where one of my male friends had written his phone number. A girl asked, "Oooooohhh, did you have a boyfriend?" I said, "In 8th grade? No, of course not." "Well, do you have one now?" "No, I don't." "Good, you should be single and ready to mingle!!!"

Yes, I apparently allow this inappropriateness to happen.

glad my influence is rubbing off on them

I have a boy who is currently in his second tour of my 8th grade ELA class. He is not unintelligent or poorly behaved, just lazy. He doesn't do much besides sit silently and draw. It's infuriating because he could do much better, he just chooses to zone out. Most of the time you can't really talk to him, because he just looks confused or shrugs his shoulders without saying a word in response.

One day, I was reviewing some past lessons with my students so they could all ace a quiz. Everyone was taking notes, answering questions, and having discussions. I walked by his desk and saw that he had not written a single word on his paper. He drew some guitars or something in the margins. I held up the paper of this girl next to him, which was filled, and held up his in his face and just said, "Really? Really?" As in, 'so that's all you're giving me?' He shrugged.

We took the quizzes and they went off without a hitch. Most got at least 8 out of 10. I again walked by the desk of my good friend, the future artist. He had gotten 2 points. To my delight, the girl that had graded his quiz wrote his score at the top, and then next to it, wrote "Really?!?!"

Passive aggression ftw.

time to break some shit

I took so long to write about this because it was quite horribly the scariest moment of my life.

My kids had a great period. A few of the class ruiners were out on suspension, so we were getting through the lesson like gang busters, crackin some jokes, having a good time. We finished a little early and I decided to head down to lunch. We put up all the chairs (it was my last period of the day) and went to the door. One of the kids said he couldn't open it. I told him playtime was over and to stop joking around. He showed me, quite honestly, that it wouldn't twist open. Another kid was out in the hallway. I thought he was holding the door. I was hungry, so I had something to the effect of "Hey asshole, get your hand off the door." Ok, I said nothing like that, but he held both of his hands up and showed he wasn't holding the handle. Finally I tried the doorknob and couldn't get it to budge. I managed to stay calm, but of course the room of teenagers started yelling. I convinced them to back away and started twisting, pulling, using the credit card trick, doing whatever I could think of. That didn't work, so I called the custodial office.

At this point my assistant principal is walking by. I yell out the door that we can't open it. He tries his keys to see if that will unjam it, but no. He motions for everyone to scoot back, cracks a smile, and says, "Enjoy their company!" Yeah, right. There's nowhere for them to sit, so they are crowding into each other on the couch and floor.

A few more minutes go by. A few boys try body slamming the door. The kids start gradually flipping their shit even more and saying that they weren't going to get to it, or worse, that the Scream killer was coming in to get them. One said, "Well, at least they'd kill the white girls first." I smartly responded, "Are you kidding? We all know the minorities are the first to go." That calmed them down (notttttt). At one point I turned my back and said if someone had a knife I would use it to unscrew the knob and then pretend I didn't see it. No takers, unfortunately, but I'm sure at least 4 were lying. I called the custodian's office again- they angrily assured me someone was on their way. I took some scissors to see if there was anything I could tamper with, but I'm not that handy with hardware. After about 15 minutes, I called my dad (a construction worker) from my cell phone, and as he was giving more suggestions, the custodian finally came to let us free. I don't know what he did, all I CAN tell you is that my doorknob will now not stay locked at all.

Excellent.

excellent retort

You really can't top these responses to comments by me in order to try to correct behavior.

In class

Me: (after being interrupted mid-lesson five times by the same kids) I am just really upset that I don't have a room full of 8th graders right now and that we are acting like children.
D: (one of the main interrupters) I am not a children!!!

Picking up my after school group in the cafeteria

Me: M, why are you yelling so loudly?
M: I love pizza and cake!!!

close enough

The other day I was showing my students a story that mentioned the state Alabama. At least 3 of them shouted out something along the lines of "What the hell is Alabama?" To which one of my brightest scholars responded "It's the capital of New York!"

I'm gonna give you a moment to let that one sink in.

Okay.

I mentioned this story to my friend over drinks on Friday. She responded with this gem. She was working with a student one on one over how to read a map. She pointed out the various features, and stopped at a squiggly blue line to ask the girl what she thought that might be. Crickets. Finally my friend says, "It's a river." The girl says, "Ohhhhhhhhh." There's a few seconds of silence. My friend follows up with, "Do you know what a river is?" Silence again, and then finally, "It's like an ocean?"

Geography fail.

So what can we do?

Last week, I asked the students to write me a letter about what I can do and what they can do to make the class better.

Best response, by far:

I think you Need to Lear n How talk with aperson with out Being in there face and that you alway act wild different and you be haaving mood swings

Signed with her name and a heart on the bottom.

I'm quitting tomorrow.

self-esteem

Let me tell you, if you want to feel good about yourself, do not hang around with 13-year-olds.

Things they have told me lately:
"Your forehead is shiny."
"What is that on your chin? Is it contagious?"
"You should be on the 'Bad Girl's Club.'"
"Your hair grows fast. Didn't you just dye it? I can already see your roots. You have a lot of gray hair."
"When you have your coat on, from the back, you look like a little black girl."

Um... I don't even know.

the apple falls far

I have a student who is usually well behaved but must have been having an off day today. She wouldn't sit in her assigned seat, wasn't completing her work, was playing on her cell phone, and whenever she got up and walked by this boy, she cursed him out. I assigned her detention and called her mother to get permission. She didn't answer, but did indeed TEXT me back. I tried to call her again later, no answer, so I sighed and sent her a text in response.

Now, I don't have a child. (Thank god, I already have 90 of them.) But I'm PRETTY sure I wouldn't text my daughter's teacher, ESPECIALLY if I had never even spoken to her before.

But maybe that's just me.

Plus, she skipped detention anyway. I'm not always sure why I make the effort.