why we don't have to do any work

The day after Obama was elected, my classroom of (mostly) black children in Harlem was abuzz with excitement. This naturally led into a discussion and a writing response on what we did the night before, how we felt, what we were looking forward to, etc. Most everyone was participating, except one student who, frankly, was not in school often enough to keep up. But, this was an easy task and she wasn't doing anything. I walked up to her and asked why and she said, "I don't have to anymore! We're taking over, miss!" I spent a few minutes trying to explain the fallacies in her logic, but I have to say, I don't think I got through to her.

lord almighty

This is one of those things that I found sad/hilarious/amazing/telling in a million different ways. However, I am just going to give you the facts like the newspaper (and I use that word with at least 50 grains of salt) gave them to me, and let you fill in the punchline.

An art teacher at an elementary school in the Bronx used to be a stripper slash prostitute. This issue came up when she began POSTING ABOUT IT ONLINE in pretty good detail.

My favorite quote came from a mother who was against this woman being in the school.

"I don't want nobody that used to do that to be around my kid," said Grace Ventura, whose son is in third grade. "People like that should not be allowed to be anywhere near children."

I read the full article during my lunch in the teacher's lounge today. We shared a few giggles for a few different reasons? Can you guess why?

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/bronx/bx_teach_admits_an_ex_hooker_HAs5wQMrW8KdcAfpgrK3WP

As the old saying goes (my favorite saying about teaching): Well, you're either laughing or you're crying.

let's talk about why reading is important

My students and I have been discussing the many reasons why it is important to read. One reason was to build a stronger vocabulary. We had a talk about it, and then they wrote a response. This student most definitely understood the significance behind that reason:

"When you develop a mature vocabulary, you know more. If someone say's you look gay today, you will know gay also means happy. Then you know not to shoot the person."

No, but seriously, he's one of my best students.

field trips

I gave my kids a survey and asked them to write down any ideas they had for field trips, either just for fun or educational. These are true responses:

"Can we go to the top of McGraw Hill?"

"I would like to go anywhere but the Bronx Zoo, I don't go think I can go there again without my head exploding."

I also had a real discussion with one boy about how awesome it would be to go to the sandwich factory. Is this a real thing? I guess so.

organizational failures

So I have been waiting for keys to my classroom since school started. I switched rooms from last year to this year, which, while a little annoying, is not that uncommon. (At least I had all summer to set up, much better than the fact that I switched MID-SCHOOL YEAR during my first year.) I've asked the custodians to make me copies, I've asked the office staff, I've checked with the principal, etc. So I've just been leaving everything unlocked all the time. But there's always nothing anyone can do, and I get sent to someone else to ask, because the teacher who had my room last year never left her keys before she moved to Antigua. (Which is most definitely part of the checklist you have to get filled out before you leave the building on the last day of school, so I'm not sure how that happened, but that's besides the point.) Finally I was sick of it, so I borrowed another teacher's keys last night (they are all the same for our floor) to go make copies. I spent a couple of bucks to get one for my room, one for the teacher's lounge, and even some new hasps for my cupboards since they still have locks on them that the teacher in Antigua must have the keys to. (Getting the custodians to actually come in and install them so my cupboards will be usable... well if it happens in the next month I will be SO happy.)

I walk in this morning, pretty much ready to do, and our secretary says, "Oh! Ms. A! We got your room keys!" And holds them triumphantly in the air. Like I haven't been asking for them for over 2 weeks.

I'm aware this story isn't all that funny, but it does illustrate some of the institutional nonsense that I have seen at every school I've ever worked at or even visited. This is a common, every day thing. You are chasing people around to get copies of some data chart you need to get filled out, show up for a meeting to discuss it, get turned away because your AP is in another meeting, get called back 10 minutes later, and then get told you did the whole thing wrong. Or you drive to the district office to pick up some forms, get assured you have the right ones by the staff there, and then are told to turn around and go back by your testing coordinator because they gave you the wrong thing. (Oh yeah, both of those things happened this week too.) Could we all just keep in mind that we have children to teach, so we probably have other shit to do that doesn't involve total nonsense?

To wrap the story up on a happy note, it turns out that our art teacher didn't have keys either. So the copies I made were not in vain, the couple of dollars I spent to do it were not wasted, and now we are all able to get in and out of the places that we work at every day. Excellent.

You can't expect a 4th grader not to laugh

My friend told me a story she still remembered from 4th grade. Her teacher was reading aloud a book where all throughout it, the main character would stop and say, "It's not my fault!" I guess she slipped and said, "It's not my fart!" Needless to say, all 30 of them cracked up laughing. I am curious as to how the rest of the lesson went after that...

major faux pas

Today, I tried to say "quickly finish" and somehow ended up saying "queef." It went right over their heads, which is good.

At least it's not nearly as bad as the time last year I tried to say "many different cities" but somehow missed the "s" sound and said "titties." Yeah, they definitely noticed that one.

adorableness

At a teacher happy hour on Friday, I was told this story by a middle school ESL teacher. It is so cute that it must be shared with the masses.

I guess she was trying to teach a lesson but her kids were getting too loud and feisty. After several attempts to quiet them down, she yelled, "You know what, why don't you guys just SHUT THE FRONT DOOR." (I applaud her for having the control to not say what she was really thinking, because I have definitely dropped the F-bomb before and it did not go over well.) The students got immediately silent and felt terrible, and then one really sweet kid got up out of his desk, went over to the classroom door, and closed it.

I do want to call this one an ESL fail, but truth be told, idioms are difficult. And this kid sounds like a winner.

PTC

One of my fellow teachers described a conference he had with a parent. Her son was an excellent student in fifth grade at our school, but had fallen down to become one of the worst behaving and lowest performing students so far in sixth grade. The mom agreed, and said, "I know, it's crazy, he has done a real 69 this year."

Complete and utter math failure. (But not from my co-teacher, from whoever this woman's teacher was 20 years ago.)

Thanks for the inspiration

At the end of the year, our literacy coach wanted to read our team a quote for us to reflect on. He said, "This was from someone named Anon. Anon, does any of you know who that is?"

And this is my supervisor.

Favorite student research

Some lovely quotes from some really quality research reports:

"Hello, kind reader. I am here to tell you about colonial times. Can you imagine what life would be like if you didn't have a car? Well back in the 1800's they would drive horses all day. That shit would be bananas! I planning on making this info, very interesting, so you don’t die of boredom, and faint from horror!"

"The Revolutionary War was fought between Great Britain, who really wasn't that great, and the terrorist 13 colonies, or America."

Really, I guess the failure for this one falls on me, for being a terrible history teacher and for really not explaining the concept of voice and audience in writing.

Ugggh, English homonyms

Yesterday, I was explaining the layout of my new classroom. One student asked about the desk in the corner by the window with the sign "Reflection Station." I said that would be a spot where you could sit without any distractions and think about your actions if you were having a bad day or making bad choices. One girl noted, "But you can't really see your reflection from there."

Vocabulary = fail.

So much to teach them, so little time

My students and I were working after school on some personal writing projects in early March. One commented that St. Patrick's Day was coming up soon. I mentioned that I was really excited to celebrate since my family is Irish. One boy said, "I didn't know you were Irish, I thought you were just white."

There are so many people to blame for this failure, I don't even know where to begin.

My favorite/least favorite/most embarrassing story of all time

My 8th graders and I were taking a walking trip from the Salvation Army on the Upper West Side back to Harlem after dropping off some holiday donations. I had just moved into the neighborhood. We walked by a broken down couch sitting on the sidewalk, and one of my students cleverly joked that I might need the couch for my new apartment. I laughed and agreed that we should pick it up and carry it over to my new place.

When we get back to school awhile later, I sat with a group of 5 boys at lunch. One of them says, "Were you serious about that couch?" I responded, "Sure! Do you guys want to leave and go get it right now?" Another one says, "Are you gonna pay us?" I quickly retorted, "No, I'm gonna use you as slave labor."

Ok. So the words fell out of my mouth and I IMMEDIATELY regretted them. One millisecond later, I covered up my mouth and thought, "I'm gonna get fired." I looked around at the group of black and Latino boys sitting around me and there was a couple seconds of awkward silence where I just stared at them and thought, "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT." One gave me a really stern look.... and then started to giggle. The other 4... didn't even understand how what I said was so offensive. I started to laugh, then QUICKLY changed the subject and prayed that the subject was NEVER DISCUSSED AGAIN.

Probably my worst failure ever.

Relentless pursuit of excellence?

This is an experiment, a space to record ignorant, unintelligent, and/or just plain hilarious quotes from me, my students, friends, and co-workers.

I teach 8th grade English in the South Bronx. Don't let the fact that I am an alumna of a prestigious teaching program fool you. My first two years teaching were a complete failure. Year 3 is shaping up to be okay, but I still laugh at myself and everyone at my school every day.

Because, let's face it, sometimes we are all just complete failures.