poetry

My holiday gift to you: the insanity that was teaching my kids poetry.

It's not often that you get asked how many syllables are in the word butt. I answered without missing a beat, but then stopped, shook my head, and said, "Wow. As an English teacher you catch yourself answering a lot of questions you never thought you'd have to answer."

Here is a poem written by one of my kids. We worked really hard on similes and metaphors. I don't think she quite got it, and I gave her some of these lines, but it worked out.

My ELA Teacher

Ms. A has red hair like an apple.
She always want to be fair.
Ms. A is not skinny and not fat.
She is taller than a midget and shorter than a basketball player.

I wish I could show you the illustrations that accompanied it. Really, quite lovely.

Also, as a side note, on the cover of another kid's booklet, she proudly colored in the word "Petry." Yep, I'm not sure why I even tried to teach the past few weeks.

Happy New Year's all. I get to go back to this madhouse on Monday. :)

come on

Today, on yet another trip, I had to explain to a child why it was not all right to be having a discussion including the phrase, "You know how sometimes a girl's pussy be mad fat and big?" In public. Especially loudly. Mostly because it was in hearing distance of me and I then had to induce vomiting.

Is it Christmas yet?

I am the queen of inappropriate conversations

Last year, our science teacher brought a museum exhibit to the school. I had to cover classes all day to make it happen, which I did, but it ended up making me kind of loopy. In the process, I met one of the boys (sorry, men) who worked for this exhibit. He was cute. He said something funny, I laughed, and the entire class saw me flirt and get girly when he was around. Whoops. Later I ran into him downstairs and he borrowed my keys, same thing. Totally unintentional, but these kids have sharp eyes. One of my girls even found out his name and how old he was. I told her that was inappropriate to discuss with me. She brought it up the next day too, and it became an inside joke with the class. After a week or so of laughter, we moved on with our lives.

Low and behold, this week, the same exhibit comes through. I thought nothing of it. Then I joked with one of my students from last year about the guy who was on the exhibit. He says, "Oh my god, yeah, it is the same guy! And he even asked if we had that same red-headed teacher." To which I responded, "Shut up! He did not!" like I was hanging out with my friends. Ugh, jeez, I need a filter.

Within 10 seconds the rest of the class was informed that me and the museum guy both had crushes on each other. (And I'm sure it had spread to the rest of the 8th grade by lunch time.) I was reduced to a giggling red faced girl and could not teach. Any time he would walk by, they would point, or try to take his picture, or one student even offered to run out and get his phone number for me. Oh. My. God.

The irony is I never even saw him in person, nor have I talked to him since our brief encounters last year. But Dustin (I think), if you're out there, I have about 50 kids who are dead set on you becoming my boyfriend. About half my girls think you're pretty dreamy too. I'm sure they'd love for you to come in again and talk about science. Even if it's during ELA class.

Hahahaahhaaa. Bad role model fail.

harry potter

On Tuesday, being the huge nerd that I am, I wore a Gryffindor tie and scarf to school. In the previous weeks, I had planned a movie trip with some of my favorite students to go see the newest Harry Potter. So after school, I hopped a train with 12 kids and went down to Lincoln Center (ooooh, the mysterious world of Manhattan) to see the movie. I would now like to recount all of the terrible things I said or did.

1. One of my kids didn't have subway fare because his mom called me last minute asking if he could go and someone else offered to pay for his movie ticket. Instead of buying him a pass or something, I looked at him, decided he looked young enough, and told him to just crawl under the lever. Aaah, stealing, an important life lesson.

2. On the train, a discussion came up about age, and I gathered them around to give them two important life lessons. "One: never ask a woman her age. I personally don't care, but most women don't like that. Two: never ask a woman if she's pregnant. Because if she's not, you just called her fat. Got it?" They all nodded and laughed. I looked around the car to see a bunch of mostly white faces looking at me in either disgust or surprise or pleasure, I'm not sure. When we got off, one man walked by me, smiled, repeated rule #1, and said, "That's good. I like that. Very important."

3. As we were walking to the theater, one of my boys started telling me about how he really enjoyed (and was good at) throwing peanuts in the air and catching them in his mouth. I almost choked with laughter. Juvenile sense of humor, check.

4. When we went to buy the tickets, I instructed everyone to give me the cash. The age for a child's tickets cuts off at 12; a good half of my group was 13 or older. I bought one adult ticket and 12 children's tickets. Dude, come on, it saved so much money. But lying, another important life lesson. Glad that one really sunk in.

5. I bought popcorn and chicken strips for everyone to share and instructed them each to buy their own soda or candy. Childhood obesity, hell yeah, let's make it happen. Also, one of the girls got so sick that she almost threw up.

6. Aaaaand, on the way back, a lot of them couldn't figure out the subway gates where you actually have to slide in and push it like a revolving door. So we had to double up to get everybody through. Again, this whole lying/cheating/stealing message, I really wanted to hit it home.

That being said, we had a lot of fun, and it was a good opportunity for everyone to experience something they might not have been able to experience otherwise. Plus, no one died or got injured on the trip. So far, I'm batting 1000. I'd like to keep that up.

yep

My friend told a story at our weekly Thursday Night Dinner. I can't really do it justice except to qualify it by saying that we have to deal with this kind of nonsense on a daily basis.

Apparently a rumor was going around the 7th graders at school that this teacher (Ms. R) had a tube in her butt. This student approached her after lunch and that's all she said. "So-and-so said you had a tube in your butt. But don't worry, I told her she was totally wrong."

My friend was baffled. Like, "I'm sorry, can you explain this more? What is this tube you speak of?" Eventually she surmised that the child meant they were all gossiping that she was pumping up her butt with a tube to make it bigger. Thank goodness this girl was there to set the record straight. For the record, Ms. R also clarified that a) that didn't make any sense and b) she didn't really care what 7th graders were gossiping about her in the lunchroom but c) thanks for the support.

Dude, 12-year-olds are weird.

field trips

As I now work two jobs, I have not been posting much. So, this better be a good one.

Here are some quotes overheard on the many field trips I have taken my students on over the past few months.

*

"Whooooaaa, it is fancy down here. Look, they spell shit out for these rich people. Look, 'one-hundred twenty-one,' instead of just the number. These white people are crazy." (By the Museum of Natural History)

*

"All right guys, who did we get the Statue of Liberty from?"
"France!"
"Right, and back when France settled in the United States, where did they settle?"
"Europe!"
"No, in the United States."
"Massachusetts!"
"No, good, that was one of the original 13 colonies, but that was not French."
"New England!"
"No, that was England. That's why it's called New England. What city or state in the United States?"
"Canada!"
"Ok, awesome, when they settled in North America, they settled in Canada. But what city or state as well?"
"Georgia?"
"Getting closer..."
"New Orleans!"
"Awesome, and what state was that it?"
"Georgia?"
"Nope."
"Louisiana?"
"Niiiiiice."
(At Ellis Island)

*

"If my Yu-Gi-Oh cards fall into the water, I am jumping in after them."
"Someone just died falling off the Staten Island ferry."
"Well, I don't care, I am going to jump in after them and hope I live."
"How much did your cards cost?"
"All together, about $30."
"Ok, I think your life is worth more than $30. I will pay for new Yu-Gi-Oh cards. But I have a better idea, how about you just keep them in your pocket so that you don't lose them?"
"Oh... ok. Yeah."
(On the ferry to Liberty Island)

*

"So, what did you guys learn today?"
"I learned that when immigrants came through Ellis Island they had to stay in small bunk beds in small rooms with lots of people."
"I learned that they had to pass health inspections to get into America."
"I learned that 10 minutes is not really enough time to eat a full lunch."
(At Battery Park)

no, like a fake one

The other day, I was chilling with one of my co-teachers in the technology lab. I was on a prep period doing work from a computer as she was doing work on her computer while watching a kid who's behavior had been out of control. She started playing some music and singing along to it. Justin Bieber came on, and in irony, she started belting it out. The student turns to her and says, "Wow, so you're like one of those for real white people." Without missing a beat, my co-teacher says, "As opposed to what?"

a million degrees

So the DOE, in an energy slash money saving initiative, made us turn off our air conditioning units in mid-September. It was still probably 80 degrees outside, but we didn't have enough electricity, so we did as we were told and turned them off.

A few days ago, I guess the temperatures got low enough for the custodians to turn on the heater. Unfortunately, the furnace is up SO HIGH that I can't teach in my room for fear of fainting. I've turned my thermostat all the way down, but that apparently does nothing, because the temperature gauge still has us clocked in at over 90 degrees. In my classroom, in late October. All of my windows are open and kids are falling asleep on the tables because it is so muggy in there.

So much for that whole "going green" idea.

Want to be a teacher?

You will spend many a night like this, up creating lessons and rubrics and units and plans and worksheets and grades, when you would much rather be in bed. It's enough to turn anyone into a crazy person.

insane

One of my favorite things to call my kids is "crazy." Not just in the teachers' lounge, but like, to their face. It started last year when a bunch of my girls decided it would be best to sit on the ground, under the shelter of their desks, for independent reading. One day I got tired of fighting that battle, and I allowed. Reading time actually started to go pretty well from that point on. I said, "Ok, my crazies, let's get going." And it just stuck.

So it's not an insult, really, it's a term of endearment. I routinely will just call them Crazy Smith when I call on them in class, and we all giggle. I mean, find me a 13-year-old who isn't hormonal and insane in some way, and I will give you a million dollars. But, we have a new student who isn't used to my affections quite yet. When we were in the lab, I discovered that he was making WordArt pictures instead of typing his memoir. I said, "Ok, Crazy, you need to start with your real work." His response was priceless:

"I'm not crazy, I'm just very smart in a weird way."

I loved it so much, I wrote it on the board. All of the other students agreed that it should be our new class motto. Done and done. Poster will be up tomorrow.

class sizes

In a recent meeting, we were told, "We are very lucky, class sizes are really small at this school." They're right, actually, I only have about 25-27 8th graders in each class. You're not out of compliance until you're above 32. Even then, I think there's a way out of it.

Too bad two of our teachers have recently quit, thus causing the 5th grade to shrink from 3 classes into 2, and having all of the middle school teachers take on extra elective periods.

And really, we wonder why American kids can't read?

rock stars

Today I was writing the names of the class "Rock Stars" on the board as I often do to praise people who are doing the right thing. One of my girls shouted out, "What name is that on the bottom?" I pointed out another girl in the class. She said, "Oh, this whole time I thought her name was Isabella." I said, "Well, now you know." One of my boys drove this point home by then shouting, "If you don't know, now you know, nigga."

Thanks for the backup. Helpful.

why we don't have to do any work

The day after Obama was elected, my classroom of (mostly) black children in Harlem was abuzz with excitement. This naturally led into a discussion and a writing response on what we did the night before, how we felt, what we were looking forward to, etc. Most everyone was participating, except one student who, frankly, was not in school often enough to keep up. But, this was an easy task and she wasn't doing anything. I walked up to her and asked why and she said, "I don't have to anymore! We're taking over, miss!" I spent a few minutes trying to explain the fallacies in her logic, but I have to say, I don't think I got through to her.

lord almighty

This is one of those things that I found sad/hilarious/amazing/telling in a million different ways. However, I am just going to give you the facts like the newspaper (and I use that word with at least 50 grains of salt) gave them to me, and let you fill in the punchline.

An art teacher at an elementary school in the Bronx used to be a stripper slash prostitute. This issue came up when she began POSTING ABOUT IT ONLINE in pretty good detail.

My favorite quote came from a mother who was against this woman being in the school.

"I don't want nobody that used to do that to be around my kid," said Grace Ventura, whose son is in third grade. "People like that should not be allowed to be anywhere near children."

I read the full article during my lunch in the teacher's lounge today. We shared a few giggles for a few different reasons? Can you guess why?

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/bronx/bx_teach_admits_an_ex_hooker_HAs5wQMrW8KdcAfpgrK3WP

As the old saying goes (my favorite saying about teaching): Well, you're either laughing or you're crying.

let's talk about why reading is important

My students and I have been discussing the many reasons why it is important to read. One reason was to build a stronger vocabulary. We had a talk about it, and then they wrote a response. This student most definitely understood the significance behind that reason:

"When you develop a mature vocabulary, you know more. If someone say's you look gay today, you will know gay also means happy. Then you know not to shoot the person."

No, but seriously, he's one of my best students.

field trips

I gave my kids a survey and asked them to write down any ideas they had for field trips, either just for fun or educational. These are true responses:

"Can we go to the top of McGraw Hill?"

"I would like to go anywhere but the Bronx Zoo, I don't go think I can go there again without my head exploding."

I also had a real discussion with one boy about how awesome it would be to go to the sandwich factory. Is this a real thing? I guess so.

organizational failures

So I have been waiting for keys to my classroom since school started. I switched rooms from last year to this year, which, while a little annoying, is not that uncommon. (At least I had all summer to set up, much better than the fact that I switched MID-SCHOOL YEAR during my first year.) I've asked the custodians to make me copies, I've asked the office staff, I've checked with the principal, etc. So I've just been leaving everything unlocked all the time. But there's always nothing anyone can do, and I get sent to someone else to ask, because the teacher who had my room last year never left her keys before she moved to Antigua. (Which is most definitely part of the checklist you have to get filled out before you leave the building on the last day of school, so I'm not sure how that happened, but that's besides the point.) Finally I was sick of it, so I borrowed another teacher's keys last night (they are all the same for our floor) to go make copies. I spent a couple of bucks to get one for my room, one for the teacher's lounge, and even some new hasps for my cupboards since they still have locks on them that the teacher in Antigua must have the keys to. (Getting the custodians to actually come in and install them so my cupboards will be usable... well if it happens in the next month I will be SO happy.)

I walk in this morning, pretty much ready to do, and our secretary says, "Oh! Ms. A! We got your room keys!" And holds them triumphantly in the air. Like I haven't been asking for them for over 2 weeks.

I'm aware this story isn't all that funny, but it does illustrate some of the institutional nonsense that I have seen at every school I've ever worked at or even visited. This is a common, every day thing. You are chasing people around to get copies of some data chart you need to get filled out, show up for a meeting to discuss it, get turned away because your AP is in another meeting, get called back 10 minutes later, and then get told you did the whole thing wrong. Or you drive to the district office to pick up some forms, get assured you have the right ones by the staff there, and then are told to turn around and go back by your testing coordinator because they gave you the wrong thing. (Oh yeah, both of those things happened this week too.) Could we all just keep in mind that we have children to teach, so we probably have other shit to do that doesn't involve total nonsense?

To wrap the story up on a happy note, it turns out that our art teacher didn't have keys either. So the copies I made were not in vain, the couple of dollars I spent to do it were not wasted, and now we are all able to get in and out of the places that we work at every day. Excellent.

You can't expect a 4th grader not to laugh

My friend told me a story she still remembered from 4th grade. Her teacher was reading aloud a book where all throughout it, the main character would stop and say, "It's not my fault!" I guess she slipped and said, "It's not my fart!" Needless to say, all 30 of them cracked up laughing. I am curious as to how the rest of the lesson went after that...

major faux pas

Today, I tried to say "quickly finish" and somehow ended up saying "queef." It went right over their heads, which is good.

At least it's not nearly as bad as the time last year I tried to say "many different cities" but somehow missed the "s" sound and said "titties." Yeah, they definitely noticed that one.

adorableness

At a teacher happy hour on Friday, I was told this story by a middle school ESL teacher. It is so cute that it must be shared with the masses.

I guess she was trying to teach a lesson but her kids were getting too loud and feisty. After several attempts to quiet them down, she yelled, "You know what, why don't you guys just SHUT THE FRONT DOOR." (I applaud her for having the control to not say what she was really thinking, because I have definitely dropped the F-bomb before and it did not go over well.) The students got immediately silent and felt terrible, and then one really sweet kid got up out of his desk, went over to the classroom door, and closed it.

I do want to call this one an ESL fail, but truth be told, idioms are difficult. And this kid sounds like a winner.

PTC

One of my fellow teachers described a conference he had with a parent. Her son was an excellent student in fifth grade at our school, but had fallen down to become one of the worst behaving and lowest performing students so far in sixth grade. The mom agreed, and said, "I know, it's crazy, he has done a real 69 this year."

Complete and utter math failure. (But not from my co-teacher, from whoever this woman's teacher was 20 years ago.)

Thanks for the inspiration

At the end of the year, our literacy coach wanted to read our team a quote for us to reflect on. He said, "This was from someone named Anon. Anon, does any of you know who that is?"

And this is my supervisor.

Favorite student research

Some lovely quotes from some really quality research reports:

"Hello, kind reader. I am here to tell you about colonial times. Can you imagine what life would be like if you didn't have a car? Well back in the 1800's they would drive horses all day. That shit would be bananas! I planning on making this info, very interesting, so you don’t die of boredom, and faint from horror!"

"The Revolutionary War was fought between Great Britain, who really wasn't that great, and the terrorist 13 colonies, or America."

Really, I guess the failure for this one falls on me, for being a terrible history teacher and for really not explaining the concept of voice and audience in writing.

Ugggh, English homonyms

Yesterday, I was explaining the layout of my new classroom. One student asked about the desk in the corner by the window with the sign "Reflection Station." I said that would be a spot where you could sit without any distractions and think about your actions if you were having a bad day or making bad choices. One girl noted, "But you can't really see your reflection from there."

Vocabulary = fail.

So much to teach them, so little time

My students and I were working after school on some personal writing projects in early March. One commented that St. Patrick's Day was coming up soon. I mentioned that I was really excited to celebrate since my family is Irish. One boy said, "I didn't know you were Irish, I thought you were just white."

There are so many people to blame for this failure, I don't even know where to begin.

My favorite/least favorite/most embarrassing story of all time

My 8th graders and I were taking a walking trip from the Salvation Army on the Upper West Side back to Harlem after dropping off some holiday donations. I had just moved into the neighborhood. We walked by a broken down couch sitting on the sidewalk, and one of my students cleverly joked that I might need the couch for my new apartment. I laughed and agreed that we should pick it up and carry it over to my new place.

When we get back to school awhile later, I sat with a group of 5 boys at lunch. One of them says, "Were you serious about that couch?" I responded, "Sure! Do you guys want to leave and go get it right now?" Another one says, "Are you gonna pay us?" I quickly retorted, "No, I'm gonna use you as slave labor."

Ok. So the words fell out of my mouth and I IMMEDIATELY regretted them. One millisecond later, I covered up my mouth and thought, "I'm gonna get fired." I looked around at the group of black and Latino boys sitting around me and there was a couple seconds of awkward silence where I just stared at them and thought, "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT." One gave me a really stern look.... and then started to giggle. The other 4... didn't even understand how what I said was so offensive. I started to laugh, then QUICKLY changed the subject and prayed that the subject was NEVER DISCUSSED AGAIN.

Probably my worst failure ever.

Relentless pursuit of excellence?

This is an experiment, a space to record ignorant, unintelligent, and/or just plain hilarious quotes from me, my students, friends, and co-workers.

I teach 8th grade English in the South Bronx. Don't let the fact that I am an alumna of a prestigious teaching program fool you. My first two years teaching were a complete failure. Year 3 is shaping up to be okay, but I still laugh at myself and everyone at my school every day.

Because, let's face it, sometimes we are all just complete failures.